Ep. 3: Self-Compassion: It's a Game Changer | Bubbles Please

Maria Mayes: [00:00:00] Welcome to another episode of Chakras and Chardonnay. I am super excited to share my guest with you today. Before I do so, I want you to do me a favor. And that is, as you're listening to this, I want you to think about someone in your life who's been there as a constant, a constant support through the good, the bad, and the ugly.

And just kind of a rock in your life. And so my guest today has been one of the people who've been that for me now. I'm really excited to introduce Amy Lynn Durham, and I asked her to be on this podcast not because she's been such a rock in my life, although that's a huge part of what makes her an amazing being in my mind, but because she's got a ton of wisdom, ton of experience, and is doing so much work to bring magic into The corporate world.[00:01:00] 

So Amy is the founder of create Magic at work, where she uses her training and certification work through executive coaching and spiritual intelligence to really pull in a combination of spirituality and development. into the workplace. And so think about that. Bringing magic into the workplace is literally what Amy does.

And so she's also the host of Create Magic at Work, which is a podcast that is in the top 5% global ranking, which, I mean, that alone is huge, right? And is an author Of a book by the same name, which I highly recommend you read. She's an executive contributor for brains magazine and has guested on over 70 podcasts herself, sharing insights on how leaders in the workplace can become empowered.

And embrace their full potential. So she prior to this world was on the other side of the equation as a corporate executive [00:02:00] herself. And so she really pulls in real world practical application of these teachings. And so I'm so excited that she's here to. Talk with us today, and she's got tons of certifications, everything from UC berkeley Executive Coach to Spiritual Intelligence Coach and most recently an Edge Walker Coach. So I'm so grateful that she said yes to being a guest on Chakras and Chardonnay, and I'd like to welcome her right now, Amy. Thank you for being here. 

Amy Lynn Durham: Thanks for having me, Maria. You almost had me in tears already in the beginning with your intro, so yeah, I'm excited to be here.

Excited to share some magic today. 

Maria Mayes: Awesome. So is there anything I left out or anything you want to emphasize in terms of my short introduction? I'm For the listeners. 

Amy Lynn Durham: No, that was great. The one thing to emphasize with spiritual intelligence in the workplace. I always like to remind everyone that [00:03:00] it's a lot of times. It's something that people haven't heard of before. Um, and it's a framework of leadership skills that's, that comes from a faith neutral perspective. Um, and really people that are interested in these skills or in coaching to these skills are people that have a strong foundation already in emotional intelligence, and they want to go beyond that.

They want something deeper. Um, and, and so it's, it's a faith neutral skill set. Okay. Spiritual intelligence.

Maria Mayes: Yeah. Yeah. Maybe to, I appreciate you clarifying that and, and maybe just share with the listeners what your typical client looks like, who you're typically working with these days. 

Amy Lynn Durham: Yeah. That's interesting.

I've been asked that a couple of times before and I'm like, so the, the people that really love this work, they're, they're, they're all different. So I, I, I work with a diverse group of individuals, obviously, because this is very inclusive because it's faith [00:04:00] neutral. Um, one thing that really touches my heart with a lot of my clients are.

The ones that do the work and approach me to do the work are some that may have felt judged or shamed, um, in a religion. They grew up in their childhood. Mm-hmm. , so they've shut that part away. Mm-hmm. and maybe they've shut a part of themselves away. And a lot what? A lot of. Studies are finding is, you know, there's all this chatter and talk all over LinkedIn. Um, let's be our, let's be our authentic selves at work. Oh, we want you to be your authentic self at work. And yeah, you know, show up as you, but really sometimes it's double talk because they're saying, well, show up as you like us. Hmm. And. I really find that [00:05:00] in particular, the LGBTQ plus community, um, really thrives in this work.

They're a huge part of my client base, but then also, you know, what middle aged white men that have been basically shut down as well to be able to express their vulnerability and courage in an emotional way in the workplace. They step into my world too. 

Maria Mayes: So thanks for sharing that. And just... I just feel like we need to pause and just honor that that work because being able to step in to your work world with your true authenticity is something that I know was a challenge for me for a long time.

And just the fact that you're liberating others to do that through the work you're doing is amazing. So I just want to honor that for a moment. 

Amy Lynn Durham: Thank you. Thank you. I will receive that. I'm opening. That's a [00:06:00] practice I'm working on right now is being open to receive. So, yes, I will receive that. 

Maria Mayes: Nice. So, tell me what well being teaching would you like to share with our listeners today?

Because I know you have so many, it'd be hard to pick one, but what, What do you have to offer? 

Amy Lynn Durham: Okay. So I thought about this and I'm coming off our conversation yesterday. We did a LinkedIn live, uh, pop up show. That was really fun. And I have to say out of all of the conversations I have with clients, I don't think there's one that has not dipped into, how do I make wise and compassionate decisions for myself?

Um, um, that's a skill in spiritual intelligence. It's skill 19. If you're working through the 21 skills with me, um, and how, how do I do that? So one of the wellbeing tips, [00:07:00] well, first of all, I asked some really insightful questions that help bring some self awareness there, right? Like, well, how do I set boundaries?

When I feel like people are, are draining my energy, that's a big one for, for people at work. Um, how do I forgive myself if I make mistakes? How do I release perfectionism? So if I were to give, you know, a wellbeing tip. that you could actually practice today because these are obviously like big questions.

You can't snap your fingers and be like, I'm not going to be a perfectionist anymore. And I'm going to forgive myself for everything and feel amazing for the rest of my life. That's yeah, that's like yeah, that's a daily practice and a, and a life journey for sure. Um, but one thing I think that really resonated with everyone and resonates with everyone [00:08:00] as a coaching question and session and also sharing is, can you treat yourself, will you, and you can practice this, this is something that you wanted to share that someone can implement immediately.

Can you practice treating yourself with the same kindness? Concern and support that you would offer to a good friend. Can you be understanding and supportive of yourself even when things are tough? And I go back to the way you opened the episode today talking about, I was getting emotional because you were saying, you know, someone, think about someone that's your rock that's there for you.

That's what we're talking about. Can you do that for yourself? Can you not expect perfection from yourself? Can you forgive yourself? When you make a mistake, can you not beat yourself up for things [00:09:00] that have gone perceivably wrong? Can you acknowledge what happened? Learn from it, forgive yourself, treat yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support that you would offer to a good friend.

So it pulls you mentally out where you can in spiritual intelligence, there's a lot of work. With understanding ego versus higher self and what your level is at that. So it's a ranking zero to five and you can work on that. And so by doing something like, how can I treat myself like I would a good friend.

It pulls you into that higher self moment and out of your ego, which, you know, ego comes from fear, protection, defensiveness, and you can look down at yourself and, and look at yourself as that friend that you would care for. And that's where you're starting to practice accessing that inner wisdom, inner compassion, higher self.

And if you believe in a higher power [00:10:00] from a specific religion, you can access that higher power. What would that higher power you believe in? Say to you, my guess is because there's a common thread through most religions is forgive yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself. Compassion, self compassion, right?

Yeah. So, yeah.

Maria Mayes: Yeah. Wow. That's, there's so much there, right? There's, there's so much there. And, and I'm, I'm right there with you in terms of, I can't think of a client that I've worked with one on one where it hasn't been part of the process is just to look at that. Self criticism, right? Because it's part of being human.

We all have that piece of ourselves, but to step out and look from that truth that is the non egoic state that that is our true truth or spirit or soul or higher self, whatever you want to call it. And that perspective, um. Is that accessible when we're [00:11:00] in the chaos of the doing, doing, doing, oftentimes we can't access that part of ourselves.

So how do you recommend folks go about keeping that front of mind, like you mentioned, you know, and we talked about yesterday to, you know, these things are daily practices, it doesn't happen overnight. So I love that, that question. Will you, rather than can you, will you, you were very intentional about your wording there, um, will you treat yourself as you would a friend with compassion, with deep concern, and that support being that rock for self.

What's, what's a way that we can apply that daily? 

Yeah. Will you make that choice? It's a choice and it might feel uncomfortable. And the way to do it daily is to just start trying it. Especially if you haven't before, and [00:12:00] all of us go through that. It's like, we have that internal, um, we call them ants, right?

The negative, any negative thought or something. 

Automatic negative thoughts. 

Amy Lynn Durham: Thank you. Automatic negative thoughts. Um, we all have the ants crawling around in our, in our head. So. It's the awareness, that self awareness. Ooh, I have an ant that just came up. Mm hmm. Now, why did you make that decision? I'm so ashamed, like, I can't believe I did that.

Like, I feel like an idiot. You know, whatever it is that you're telling yourself. Oh my gosh, it's that recognition, that self awareness. There's an ant in my head. What am I going to do with this ant? And how am I going to handle it? And what would I say to a friend that had an ant come up like, Oh my gosh, you are so amazing.

Everyone makes mistakes. Like you've got this, like this is a part of the life journey, whatever change, let's change the narrative, re retell the story in our brain. That's one thing you can do. Part of, [00:13:00] part of it though, is flexing that muscle underneath of. Improving the percentage of the time that you're operating from higher self or from inner wisdom and inner compassion, because that helps you bounce back faster.

So there are certain things that you can do that are easy, that, that can help you operate from higher self, a higher percentage of time versus staying in that ego state. And one of the things I developed for create magic at work is the journal prompt card deck. So you close your eyes. Um, you pull a card, it gives you a message and an affirmation.

And then there's two questions that you can journal on. And just journaling helps you access higher self. It puts ego aside and just helps you tap into that inner wisdom and compassion that's within you. And then by doing that, that's a quick, easy one, [00:14:00] right? Then you'll just notice, you'll just notice, yeah, I lose it once in a while.

But I'm seeing that I'm bouncing back quicker. You know, I have a client I've worked with for a year and a half now. And when I first started working with them, they would fall apart when drama happened at work and it would just put them out for the evening, for the night, couldn't sleep. Just, you know, they're worked up, they're triggered, they're flooded.

Um, by just doing this practice, they bounce back a little faster. They sleep at night now. They're a little calmer. 

That's huge. 

Maria Mayes: I mean, if that isn't a testimonial to this being worth doing the work of, of evoking a little self compassion practice like this on a daily, I don't know what it is. Because who doesn't want to sleep better, feel calmer, um, all of [00:15:00] those things.

So, that's awesome. Yeah. Where do you find, um, just if you look at your client base and kind of a overarching you know, 10, 000 foot view. Where do you find the biggest area of struggle with this? Because you're, even though you're working with people in in a work focus, right. As an executive coach.

Our personal lives spill over into every aspect of it, right? And so, is there one particular area that you see or, or just commonality? 

Amy Lynn Durham: Yeah, I just thought of something because I'm like, hmm, that's a really good question. Because at work, it seems that we can flex that higher self muscle a little bit stronger because there's boundaries such as policies and HR rules that surround us.

So it's like, hmm, if I can behave this way, with someone at work, why can't, and this is the answer to your question, [00:16:00] behave this way at home in my personal relationships? And there's where you get the PhD in spiritual intelligence, or in being able to maintain inner and outer peace. Regardless of the situation you're in, even when you're under great stress and still make wise and compassionate decisions for yourself and for others.

And I often find that some of these practices, arise in people's personal lives, um, a lot more than in the workplace. Once they, you know, they, they talk about workplace, business, everything. We start working on these skills and then it's like, Oh, my partner is doing X, Y, Z. I feel like I can't be centered around them or operate from higher self around them.

Um, and then it's like a whole [00:17:00] new practice or test. Right? 

Maria Mayes: Right. That's when the real work begins. Right? When it's your closest, most intimate relationships. Don't we know that? That's really interesting. And, you know, you mentioned, and I've actually been meaning to ask you this question for a while, but I always forget.

So I'm going to leverage this opportunity to ask it now while it's front of mind. In SQ, it sounds like I've heard you say inner peace and outer peace several different times. And so what is the distinction or the difference from the SQ perspective of those two terms? 

Amy Lynn Durham: Yeah, so inner peace is really self explanatory, right?

Like how you feel inside, but I think you're also wondering like, well, what's the outer? 

Maria Mayes: Yeah, outer in particular is what I'm wondering. 

Amy Lynn Durham: Yeah, yeah, and that's where people actually feel that from you. They, they see it. The outer world is experiencing your [00:18:00] social mastery. Okay. Being aligned with the ebb and flow of life or being a calming and healing presence.

So now I will add, some people are really great at faking outer peace. I'm thinking of work meetings and inner. Is just a whole big ball of turmoil. Right. So 

Maria Mayes: That used to be me. That you just described me to a T a prior version of me. That was maybe Maria 1. 0. I'm at like, I 5.0 now. So, wow. 

Amy Lynn Durham: So SQ seeks both.

If you're truly peaceful within, I would imagine, right, for all of us, that the outer is going to show that. 

Maria Mayes: Yeah, yeah, I [00:19:00] appreciate you clarifying that, because I've always thought, well, because I focus a lot, obviously, part of my, my mission, my purpose here is to be a conduit for inner peace, to help people tap into this and create practices that are, you know, sustainable for the long term, for having that baseline of inner peace.

But the outer. I've always thought of that as the, you know, that's the world that I can't control, right? I can't control the, the stresses that are going to come at me. I can control my reaction to them based on my level of having a baseline inner peace. So it really helps me now understand the terminology and SQ perspective of, of how then that outer piece, how that translates then and affects and has the ripple effect to everyone around you. So from a leader perspective, you know, you're working with a lot of leaders, you know, taking even this specific tip that you dropped us with asking the question, will you treat yourself with the same kindness [00:20:00] and support and concern that you would a dear friend?

Will you do that today? Taking that to a leader. And that being infused into them, that energy then they're going to bring into the next meeting with the team, that's going to be a whole different energy if they're coming one with one of self compassion, because as we know, if we don't have deep compassion for self, we truly can't have it for others.

And that the illustration you painted of. You know, the, the person that's coming in, walking a good game, looking like the, you know, leader that we all want to work with at work because they've got it all figured out, calm, cool, and collected. But if they're going home and beating themselves up at night, um, even though they might walk a smooth game when they come in, there's going to be a subtle energetic difference there.

Amy Lynn Durham: Yeah, there is. [00:21:00] Um, and that's why I, I brought this up to focus on first, because if exactly what you said, if we can't have compassion for ourselves, we cannot give it to others. And that really, that lesson will continue to reverberate on different layers and levels, if you look for it, um, as you move through, there's strong data that shows that whatever energy level we're showing up from, it ripples out. If we're in a position of power, it ripples out to our teams 10 times over. So if you're operating from a space of fear and anger, imagine that multiplied by 10 with your team, that's in your charge. And so it's really important. That's why this is so important to, to take a look in the mirror and, um, yeah.

If you, I mean, if you're, [00:22:00] if you're interested in a deeper sense of meaning in life and leadership for the greater good, then yeah, that's why this is important. 

Maria Mayes: And I think, you know, something just came up for me as you said that, and that is oftentimes, and just to the listeners, you know, many of whom are likely parents.

As as being leaders in the home that that same equation, your kids are picking up on everything every time you beat yourself up every time, even if it's not something really obvious verbal, but they see the tendencies that that energy. And that modeling is, is if, if it has the 10, 10 over effect said, right, was that the data?

If it has that in a, in a work environment, a professional environment, think about what it might have in. a home environment. 

Amy Lynn Durham: Yeah. And don't beat yourself up for beating yourself up, [00:23:00] right? Yeah. So, so it's, um, the recognition, right? Without judgement, right? Yeah. The recognition, the recovery, the radical self forgiveness treat, pull yourself out of your body. Look down at yourself, treat yourself like you would a good friend. Yeah. Um, all of those things. Cause we talk about a lot of leadership practices and trainings talk about legacy or what's the legacy I'm going to leave and who you are. If you're this amazing leader at work, but you're no, you're not exhibiting or you're not operating from higher self or inner wisdom, compassion at home.

I mean, that's your legacy. Like who, who are you really? And what legacy are you leaving every day with your choice and how you want to move through the world? Yeah. 

Maria Mayes: Love that. I love that. Wow. I mean, thank you [00:24:00] so much for sharing that. I mean, I, I just, I want to wrap this piece up right there because that was so powerful.

Um, so just as a reminder to, um, the listeners is just, you know, maybe throw it on a post it note, maybe put this on your lock screen on your phone. This question, will you treat yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support that you would a dear friend? Yeah. 

Yeah. Or, and even I got to say, I treat 

Amy Lynn Durham: myself with the same kindness and support. You turn it into an affirmation, yeah. 

Maria Mayes: Yeah, I think that's a natural progression, right? Starting with the question and then moving into the affirmation. So, beautiful. Thank you so much. So, I'd like to transition this conversation now into one about wine. 

Amy Lynn Durham: Perfect. 

Maria Mayes: So, tell me, Amy, what is your favorite type of wine?

And I'm not going to say if [00:25:00] any, like I asked some of my other guests because I know with you who there, we have a little history. 

Amy Lynn Durham: Yeah. Anybody that knows me. So, so I, you know, you mentioned I'm an Edge Walker Coach. Uh, there's 19 in the world. One of the qualities is playfulness. So we talked about a lot of deep stuff, but I'm glad you brought up my favorite wine because We have to remember to have fun and open that creative part of our brains for conflict solving.

Um, so anyone that knows me knows that a great glass of bubbly is my thing. So I've always loved Champagne, Prosecco, and I've recently fell in love with a Viogner that I really love, but it's, it's mainly Champagne for sure. 

Maria Mayes: Nice. So tell me a little bit about what you love about the bubbles. Describe it for me.[00:26:00] 

Amy Lynn Durham: So I like how I like when it's ice cold. Okay. And bubbly. It feels, it feels very, um, I feel like it feels very celebratory when I'm drinking a glass of champagne. Like I always want to be celebrating something. It just adds that certain like fun element for me. Sometimes I'll even sprinkle some of that edible glitter that's around lately, that's floating around.

Yeah. So just that celebratory feeling, let's celebrate something with an ice cold glass of Champagne or Prosecco. 

Maria Mayes: Sounds good. Well, let's do that. I think you and I need to get together soon and do that. And before I let you go, I'd love for you to share with. the listeners where they can find you follow your work and possibly work with you one on one.

Amy Lynn Durham: Yeah, I thought you were going to say where they can get a good [00:27:00] bottle of champagne that to share that. No, I'm just kidding. Um, Okay. So first off, I love, uh, Veuve Clicquot . I think most people do. So I'll just throw that out there, but how you can work with me, um, or send me a bottle of Veuve Clicquot I'm totally kidding.

So you can go to createmagicatwork. net. It's dot net. And you can find all of the information there. I'm really active on Instagram. It's all under Create Magic at Work. That's the, the brand, LinkedIn. And Create Magic at Work podcast. If you want a deep dive into some themes of Spiritual Intelligence, that's a great resource, um, to check out if you're interested in private coaching, of course, message me and we'll have a chat.

Maria Mayes: Awesome. Thank you so much, Amy. I'm so grateful that you were willing to come and share some of your wisdom and your magic and your playfulness here. So let's have some [00:28:00] bubbly soon. 

Amy Lynn Durham: Yay. Thanks Maria. Thanks for having me.

Maria Mayes: [00:28:01] 

Let's talk bubbles. So there is so much I want to talk about with the bubbles because one, I really love sparkling wine and there's so many different variations in different sparkling wines these days with different varietals and different flavor profiles. So it's just an exciting topic. Two, sparkling wine has a lot of the air element in it, as do I, and so we'll talk more about the five elements of Ayurveda and how they're in each of us in different variations and how they're in everything we consume, yes even wine, in future episodes.

But for now, let's hone in on Amy's recommendation, which was Veuve Clicquot. So if you have never tried it, this This short piece of this episode is your invitation to try it because I'm going to share some fun facts about, uh, Madame Clicquot. So this is really interesting. The name, uh, or the term vouve means widow in French and Madame Clicquot, um, she was a young widow that took over a business from her husband.

So producing, marketing. The entire wine process after her husband died, and he died really young, I think in around 30 or something. And so think about that. She was a total bold trailblazer of a woman, kind of like Amy, Amy's trailblazing into new territory by bringing spiritual intelligence into the workplace.

So I think it's kind of cool that she ended up picking up Veuve Clicquot as her recommendation. And so if you think about the wine industry, it's heavily male dominated today still, but we're talking 200 years ago. And so here she's credited with a couple of things that are pretty big within the champagne market.

So one of them is that she really is credited for Creating a market outside of France. So starting with Russia, cultivating a market for her champagne there. She's also credited with bottling the first recorded vintage champagne. About 200 years ago. That is so crazy. It's so long ago. Um, she's also credited with making the first rosé champagne.

So she blended some of the red Pinot Noir grapes. And that's what gave it it's beautiful rosé color. So how cool is that? No offense guys, but I gotta say. Of course it was a woman who came up with that innovation. So. The other thing that she's credited with, and I think this one's my favorite part of it, um, is creating the remuage or riddling system.

And so, I just want you to picture this. I have a visual of my head and this lady just sitting at her kitchen table thinking about, you know, we have this beautiful sparkling wine, but it's cloudy. And I really don't want to put any more effort and expense into the drugs or clarifying agents that we have to put in to get this cloudy.

There's got to be a better way to remove some of this cloudiness. So she decides, I'm going to drill some holes in the table. I mean, how creative is that? She's really tapping into her sacral chakra, really activating it there with that creativity. So she drills a bunch of holes in the table, just large enough to be able to put the neck of the champagne bottle in.

And that's how the riddling process first began. And so, that's a process that's used in the Méthode champenoise, or traditional method of making champagne, where the whole goal is to loosen that sediment so that it collects in the bottle neck. And so this age old process involves just rotating the bottle in small increments.

And so it's still done today. Granted, you know, not too many places do it by hand. Now they have big cages that they put them in. But how cool is that, that That is where that originated, that kind of trailblazing type of innovation from a woman and recommended now. by another trailblazing woman, um, to give it a taste.

And so, if you've never tried Veuve Clicquot, this is your invitation. I think the, the low end yellow label is probably around 40 bucks, I think is the lowest I've seen it. You can get it at Total Wine, you can get it at Costco. Um, pretty easy to find, so check it out wherever you can. And I want to bring your attention to another thing that she shared, and that was when I asked her why, part of her why was that it was a celebratory.

It was the feeling of celebration that she liked about it. So, I'm going to ask you to think about the next time you step into having a glass of whatever it is, and maybe it's this champagne that we're recommending, is what is your [00:05:00] intention behind that sip? That is actually step two in the Take 5 Mindful Tasting process.

So, uh, in the last episode, in episode two, we talked about the, Ability to arrive by leveraging our breath by just making sure we're fully present with that which we're about to consume. The second step that has been truly transformational in my life is to ask myself a simple question. What's the intention behind this sip?

How powerful could that be if you use that every time you took a sip of something, every time you took a bite of something? I'm not there yet. I don't do it every time, but I can tell you, more often than not, I do, and it's transformed my life. So, that's your tip for today with wine. Go check out some Veuve Clicquot, and also, uh, ask yourself what's your intention.

We'll talk more about that step two in a future episode, and I'm also going to recommend one more. Wine because it's close to my heart. It's from Fasi Estate Winery. And so that's where I've had the pleasure of being up about once a month for almost the last decade educating in their beautiful boutique tasting room and the Argentine sparkling wine that is available in that tasting room only is just phenomenal.

So check it out. I'll put links to both in the show notes. Also, what do you pair with champagne? My favorite thing to pair, and the most recent thing I paired it with was the Fasi that I recommended, is actually a slice of kiwi. Super simple. You've seen strawberries before, very routinely paired with champagne.

Give kiwi a shot. It can be green, it can be gold, it can be medium ripe to, um, overly ripe. Try it out and let me know what you think, but it's literally my favorite thing, that simple thing just for that pairing. So more to come on bubbles. In fact, June 3rd, I just found out is National Bubbly Day, so we'll have to certainly celebrate then.

But that's a wrap for the wine portion of Chakras and Chardonnay this episode. Now I'd like you to hang tight and stick with me as I guide you through a practice in self-compassion. So if you don't have time right now, hit pause, come back to this. Because you know what, we all need more self-compassion and it would be a gift to me if I could give this gift to you of guiding you through a practice of self compassion.